Monthly Archives: August 2008

Ludicrously laughable!

My sister sent this to me today. Ya, it’s pretty funny, especially if you already have a child!

 
Thinking of Having Kids (or grand kids)? Do this 11 step program first!

If you are interested in doing day care do this,
but multiply it by 5 or 7…

Lesson 1.

Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might
feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living
room
from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds,
with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing
loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work
hard and be productive)Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for
3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there
all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.. Mash them into
the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them
with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you
can find to a
pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you
intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than
one goat.

1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the
air.You are now ready to
feed a nine- month- old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame
Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing
else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five
years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?)
Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready
to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

While it might be funny, I think it’s a load of crap. Is stuff like this designed to scare off perspective parents, or is it meant to make people with crazy unruly kids who piss and shit all over their over priced ugly furniture from The Brick and ruin their all important social lives feel better?

In my short ten months of being a parent I have never felt like any of this. It has been pure joy and happiness in our house. Sure the first few months were hard, the hardest times I think I have ever experienced. I felt tired and all I seemed to do is feed every few hours, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever and the time sure went fast. Maybe I was lucky to have gotten such a good baby, but I think my calmness with her contributed in some way to her easiness. I wore her close to me when she was tiny which kept us both happy and made it easier for me to get stuff done. I still wear her when I go out to do errands and she loves it! Dressing and changing a newborn is a piece of cake! It’s when they are ten months old and squirmy when it can be difficult. Not all the time though! Feeding and preparing food has been one of the most rewarding tasks. It is hilarious to watch a new eater experience unfamiliar food. So what if they get it all over, wipe it up and get on with it! I can’t tell you how many strange places I have found Cheerios! Sleep never seemed to be a big issue for us. Frances was in bed with us and when she was hungry all I had to do is roll her towards me and latch her on. Because she was with us she never felt scared or alone so she slept well. As did her dad and I.

Ya, I may have thought I had all the answers before we actually had Frances, and there were things I said I would definitely do and things I said I would never ever do. I said I would never sleep with my baby and I would never use a pacifier, ha! But the best advice I received, which was from my sister was do whatever works best for YOU! I don’t in any way think I’m perfect, in fact I second guess myself all the time. It isn’t always easy either, everyday there’s a new challenge. Today it’s how to keep the kid out of the cat food. I know the hard stuff is yet to come and I am trying to stay one step ahead, but you can’t always anticipate what is to come as every kid is different.

Parenting is such a true joy! If you are planning on or going to have a baby, block out all the negative crap you hear about it. Just do what works and feels best for you! After you’ve become a parent, you’ll laugh your ass off when you read this kind of stuff, realizing the absurdity of it all!!

Vivid victuals

The weather has been the pits today. Rain, rain, rain. No good for external adventures. This is the kind of day where I wish I could curl up with a book or my knitting, if only I had my own time. Instead, Frances and I did some playing and looking at books together and I worked on some food for her.

I had borrowed some baby cookbooks from the library the other day for inspiration. I like to spice things up and keep it fresh, which I am hoping will in turn keep Frances interested in food. I think it would be terribly boring to eat the same food day after day. When I cook her food I always think, would I eat this? If I answer yes to my question then I think it will be pretty good and she should enjoy it. I like to make a big batch of something and freeze it in meal portions. Today I decided that we needed some lentils, so I made a green batch with string beans and peas and a red batch with carrots and sweet potato. To the green I added basil and garlic powder and to the red I added basil and mild curry powder. I preferred the red one, but we shall see what Frances thinks!

Here’s a funny picture of Frances and Nori. Nori didn’t stick around for to long after this was taken!

Shhhhh!

In my secret world one of my fictional occupations would be that of a Librarian. I love books. I like to read them, look at them, flip their pages, hold them, smell them and collect them. I guess it goes without saying then that I enjoy the library (please pronounce both r’s). A big building filled with old smelly books in all shapes and sizes. A place where people share knowledge and information and you can borrow as many books as you can carry.

So many of my childhood memories were made in a library. Whether it was puppet shows at the old library downtown or the libraries we would visit while staying with our grandparents in the States, they all had one thing in common. Books!

The world is such a different place today. Humans all seem to be going nowhere fast, and their hunger for stuff is insatiable. However, the library continues to persevere and serve the community at large. Its presence is a constant reassurance that society isn’t that far gone into the shit hole. No matter what your social or economical status might be, you are always welcome through the front doors to find whatever it is you are looking for and to borrow it with no questions asked. It’s free as well! Well that is if you return your books on time. Just don’t end up like this lady!!

Last Friday, Frances had her first trip to the Library. After I perused the parenting and baby cookbook section, we headed downstairs to the children’s department. It was almost as I remembered it, but instead of the two teared mustard yellow shag carpet covered reading platform there were cozy little couches. It also seemed a little tidier then I recall. There were lots of board books for us to read and a wooden doll house with some people to play with. Frances really seemed to enjoy herself! I see so many visits to this special place in our future and I bet when she is my age, she will also have fond memories!!

On the left: Frances really wanted to pull all the books off of the shelf. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting them all back in order!

On the right: Such a funny picture! She always looks so big to me at home, but when we enter a different environment she is so tiny!

Lemon tarts and market skirts.

Frances and I walked up to Frenchy’s this morning to search for treasures. She wasn’t as enthusiastic as I was about sorting through the entire bin, but we did find a few gems. I am trying to stock up on cloths for her to grow into, staying one step ahead of the game. I always enjoy a good thrift and feel like I’ve won the jackpot when I find something really good. Today it was a Gymboree skirt size 5 in this fabric. I’ll call it her market skirt!

Now I’m feeling a little pooped from all that walking. I am going to sit down, drink my coffee, eat some lemon tart- thanks Caitlin!- and work on my knitting before my little friend wakes.

Ten months and why I dislike summer.

Frances became ten months old on Sunday. She is growing so big and strong and we love her so much every day. With her new found freedom from the evolution of her mobility she is displaying more signs of independence. She has a strong will and knows what she likes. Just don’t try taking it away from her. She is extremely curious about everything, especially VCR doors, sewing machines, electrical outlets and one particular phone cord that would really be a lot of fun to pull out of the wall. Curiosity often ends up in the mouth as well. I don’t worry about the stray Cheerios as much as the cat food. All of this keeps her mother and father busy and amused! Every day is something new and so much fun to watch.

Today is a beautiful sunny day. Just a few little wispy clouds in the big blue sky. There is a light breeze and the temperature high for the day is 18’c (that’s 64’f for you Americans). This is my kind of day! You see, I just do not like the summer heat and there are a few reasons why. I really don’t own summer clothes. I have some t shirts and skirts and oh, some real dorky shorts but for the most part I like blue jeans and long pants. The predominant color in my wardrobe is black. I like it, goes with everything and doesn’t get so dirty. While I do own summer appropriate shoes, I prefer to wear my Blundstone boots. They are just SO comfortable and perfect for walking. I am a knitter with a love for woolly lambs fleece. I own many wool sweaters and sadly, I can’t wear them through the summer. Then there’s the sweat factor. Just a small amount of physical activity on a hot summers day produces a bucket load of sweat. You get all sweaty and then feel gross for the rest of the day. Yuck! Sleeping’s no dream either. I like to cuddle up in my flannel sheets under a warm fluffy duvet. I need that weight over my body to achieve optimal sleep comfort. One single sheet just doesn’t cut it, and you may think I’m crazy but my feet ache if they are not covered. (I think this is something I have made up in my head) There are many other reasons for my dislike of summer heat such as fruit flies and mold, but the one that’s been bugging me the most lately is Frances. I shouldn’t say she is bugging me, it’s the heat that bugs her that is driving me nuts. I don’t think Frances cares much for the heat of summer either. It makes her hot, sweaty and cranky. Everyone seems to think her wakefulness and irritability comes from teething, but I am certain this sweaty kid is bothered by the summer heat.

Sorry to all you summer lovers out there, I am wishing it away for a beautiful cool fall day filled with cozy wool pants and long naps. I can promise you that on a -20′ day in January I will not be wishing for a hot summer day. Instead I will be bundled up with Frances and some good books. The only down side is the rising cost of home heating fuel.

Sweet surprise!

So the flower shop called yesterday to make sure I would be home for a delivery. Flowers!!?? Who would send me flowers? It’s not my birthday, anniversary or mothers day. Does my sister miss us so much that she wanted to say it with flowers? Maybe my mother thought I needed cheering up after my sickly weekend. No silly, it was my sweetie who sent me flowers. Just because, he said. He thinks it’s much nicer to receive such lovely surprises when you are least expecting them. He’s right, and he knows how much I truly love a surprise!!

Who wears the pants in our family

Yes, these are wool soakers. I had knit them before Frances was born and I forgot about them until recently. I think wool soakers are some of the cutest things on earth. Right up there with baby seals and panda bears. Before Frances was ever thought of, the mere sight of them sent me into baby lust. I mean come on, isn’t that just about the sweetest little bum you’ve ever seen? A plain old disposable diaper, while occasionally¬† practical and sometimes used, doesn’t have the same appeal. It won’t give you the illusion of a healthy plump little bottom. This baby got back!!

So what is just as cute as a soaker but more practical for the colder months of winter? Pants of course! The cutest pants ever! Now that I seem to have gotten my knitting mojo back by finishing that scarf, I have started to knit some woolen baby pants. Let me tell you I am just about over the moon on this one!