My sister sent this to me today. Ya, it’s pretty funny, especially if you already have a child!
Thinking of Having Kids (or grand kids)? Do this 11 step program first! If you are interested in doing day care do this, but multiply it by 5 or 7… Lesson 1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their... 1. Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers. Lesson 3 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner 3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. 5. Set the alarm for 3AM. 6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial. 7. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together. Lesson 4 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. 4. Then rub them on the clean walls. 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? Lesson 5 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Lesson 6 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Lesson 7 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. 1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. 2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Lesson 8 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.You are now ready to feed a nine- month- old baby. Lesson 9 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point. Lesson 10 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Lesson 11 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
While it might be funny, I think it’s a load of crap. Is stuff like this designed to scare off perspective parents, or is it meant to make people with crazy unruly kids who piss and shit all over their over priced ugly furniture from The Brick and ruin their all important social lives feel better?
In my short ten months of being a parent I have never felt like any of this. It has been pure joy and happiness in our house. Sure the first few months were hard, the hardest times I think I have ever experienced. I felt tired and all I seemed to do is feed every few hours, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever and the time sure went fast. Maybe I was lucky to have gotten such a good baby, but I think my calmness with her contributed in some way to her easiness. I wore her close to me when she was tiny which kept us both happy and made it easier for me to get stuff done. I still wear her when I go out to do errands and she loves it! Dressing and changing a newborn is a piece of cake! It’s when they are ten months old and squirmy when it can be difficult. Not all the time though! Feeding and preparing food has been one of the most rewarding tasks. It is hilarious to watch a new eater experience unfamiliar food. So what if they get it all over, wipe it up and get on with it! I can’t tell you how many strange places I have found Cheerios! Sleep never seemed to be a big issue for us. Frances was in bed with us and when she was hungry all I had to do is roll her towards me and latch her on. Because she was with us she never felt scared or alone so she slept well. As did her dad and I.
Ya, I may have thought I had all the answers before we actually had Frances, and there were things I said I would definitely do and things I said I would never ever do. I said I would never sleep with my baby and I would never use a pacifier, ha! But the best advice I received, which was from my sister was do whatever works best for YOU! I don’t in any way think I’m perfect, in fact I second guess myself all the time. It isn’t always easy either, everyday there’s a new challenge. Today it’s how to keep the kid out of the cat food. I know the hard stuff is yet to come and I am trying to stay one step ahead, but you can’t always anticipate what is to come as every kid is different.
Parenting is such a true joy! If you are planning on or going to have a baby, block out all the negative crap you hear about it. Just do what works and feels best for you! After you’ve become a parent, you’ll laugh your ass off when you read this kind of stuff, realizing the absurdity of it all!!